I won't say I am in love (Editing)
by GiveMeMorePairings
Summary: SOUHARU Haru's hatred crossed the line from hatred long ago after they began to share dorms together. However Haru refuses to act or acknowledge the feeling he feels for Sousuke due to a past heart break with Rin. So will the dolphin ever admit he is in love ?
1. Run

_If there's a prize for rotten judgement__  
><em>I guess I've already won that<em>  
><em>No man is worth the aggravation<em>  
><em>that's ancient history, been there, done that!<em>_

The saying 'there's a thin line between love and hate' was certainly true. Haru had discovered that his hatred for Yamazaki had crossed that line into old territory ever since they became roommates in college.

He couldn't help but feel old feelings he thought he had lost since his rejection years ago.

The blue eyed swimmer sat at his desk in the dorm scribbling away in his sketch pad for an art assignment he couldn't finish, with his distracted thoughts. Behind him lying on his own bed was Yamazaki with his eyes scanning the laptop screen with furrowed brows.

The dolphin couldn't help but press down extra hard on the pencil causing the led to snap , he was meant to draw , paint or even make something for the art theme of 'looking behind the looking glass' , whatever the hell that meant anyway.

"Oi! Nanase, quit breaking your led already, would ya?" the other male warned with concentration etched into his voice. Grunting stubbornly Haru sharpened his ever shrinking pencil once again.

"Whatever" the latter replied lamely with a frustrated gleam in his eyes. Haru couldn't help but feel unshed aggression towards Sousuke for some reason the ex swimmer pissed him off to no end yet he caused feelings that had once hurt him. It was exceptionally frustrating for the dolphin.

"Tch... well be quiet anyway, I'm going to Skype Rin in a minute. You're welcome to join I guess. Just don't sit too close." The other warned as he sat upright against the wall his bed faced.

Stiffening at the name and the nothingness he now felt in his stomach, once again. Haru began to put his shoes on with rigid movements. He didn't want to ever hear that voice again , slipping on the usual facade he wore around everyone would hurt even more if he had to put it on around Rin , the one who had managed to damage him the most. Luckily no one except Rin and himself knew about what went down. But only Haru knew what it did to him. And the emptiness swallowing him up now was it. Sousuke could only get rid of it when he was paying attention to Haru even if it was through teasing or taunting.

"I'm going for a run."

Perplexed at the raven-haired kuudere, Sousuke looked up at his strange roommate "Didn't you go for a jog half an hour ago?"

"I need another one, right now" Without waiting for a reply Haru left the clueless whale shark to an empty dorm.

Haru sauntered out of the dorm with unsteady steps, his mind was racing with memories and his heart beating with unshed anger and hurt it was aching from how much he was suppressing, but he had to. He needed to stay as the emotionless kuudere.

And with this in mind he knew, he could never act on the old feelings he felt for Yamazaki, one mistake was enough for him to no longer want the same pain again.

**So obviously this is a new fanfiction I am starting , there probably are mistakes in it , I will edit it !**

But anyhow this one will be shortish and resolved quickly , I hope you all enjoy it !


	2. Looking Glass

_Who'd' ya think you're kiddin'__  
><em>He's the Earth and heaven to you<em>  
><em>Try to keep it hidden<em>_

"So Haru, how are you and Sousuke?" Makoto asked as he sat on their usual bench. "Fine."

"Just fine?"

Narrowing his eyes Haru stared at his friend suspiciously, "just what are you implying?" the dolphin queried in a defensive tone, with a small laugh as if he knew something, Makoto shook his head softly.

"So Haru, is there anybody you like? As in more than a friend maybe?" Makoto abruptly asked with a nervous gleam in his emerald eyes. Gulping Haru immediately looked over his side, "I don't bother with that. Relationships are controlling." He replied casually with a dull ache surging through his system.

"How so?"

With a soft shrug Haru rounded all of his thoughts together, he had to sound unaffected and emotionless, with that in mind he spoke "you can't talk to other people if your partner is jealous or possessive, you can't just go out without explaining where you're going to. Besides my mum was constantly controlled by my dad, he's the reason I had to be raised by my grandmother. All relationships are pointless."

"Oh... I guess I'm being controlled now"

"What?" Haru instantly turned all his attention to Makoto, who could he possibly be dating? Were they at this college ? Was it a boy or girl? All these questions attacked his already clouded mind.

"Surprise Haru! haha... Rin asked me out four months ago and I said yes... for some reason he was very strict on when I could tell people haha...but surprise!"

Pain slapped Haru big time, it explained why Makoto would be so quiet whenever that question was redirected to him or would blush whenever Sousuke or the others mentioned Rin. But four months ago? That meant Rin asked Makoto out three months after he destroyed Haru.

_This wasn't fair._

_Why Rin?_

_Only two months after our relationship had officially ended._

_And it wasn't even Haru's fault._

Gulping down the ball of tears, Haru gave a rare smile to Makoto, "I am happy for you and Rin, Makoto"

"Thank you Haru, it means a lot."

Smiling at his best friend Haru couldn't help but feel truly worthless and betrayed by his parents and Rin.

"Well I better get to my class! I will talk to you tonight Haru! Don't turn my facebook chat off either!" Makoto warned before heading towards one of the large buildings on campus.

Glad he had a free period before training; Haru bit his lip and kept his facade attached. The hurting teen began to head to his dorm.

It hurt like hell to hear that, but he did let Rin go in the first place, it was however all because of his nosy parents, if only they hadn't interfered.

With gut wrenching pain , Haru nosily pushed open the dorm room door, and unfortunately for once Sousuke was on his bed casually lying down , immediately his eyes trained on Haru , sick feelings mixed with the dreaded hurt and anger he was holding back were making his facade harder to keep intact.

He could feel the pools of tears beginning to fill his eyes but he ignored them and as usual ignored all of the pain.

"What's wrong with you Nanase?" Sousuke queried from his spot with his teal eyes widened slightly, shaking his head as if it were a proper answer, Haru hastily grabbed some clean clothes, he needed a shower.

"Hey! Nanase!" Sousuke called out louder, he got up rather awkwardly and tried to get an answer from his usually cold roommate.

"I am fine" the dolphin lied, he refused to let the wall down, if he told all of his hidden pains and feelings to Sousuke he truly would have to say it. He wasn't ever going to lay himself vulnerable ever again. The last time was an agonizing mistake.

"Righhhht."

Haru held his clothes passively and headed towards the shower, the dorm had. Sensing as if the silence should be filled, Sousuke filled it the only way he knew how to "did you hear about Makoto and Rin? They've been dating for four months and Rin only told me last night when we were skyping."

_Yes add more salt to the wound, _Haru sourly thought. However he couldn't be mad or hurt at Sousuke, somehow he felt quite special knowing Sousuke was just trying to comfort him.

_Be emotionless, be a jerk, you don't and shouldn't care _his mind tsked "I don't care about it or who they're both banging" came his sharp and cold reply that cut deeply.

With the anger coming from Sousuke, Haru went to finally have his shower "no need to be such an emotionless asshole, Nanase! To think I was worried about you" came the latter's angry reply.

Gulping Haru ignored the pain that it caused, _that's right I have to be an asshole, and then no one will ever know about these feelings, not even Sousuke or himself._

Twenty minutes later and Haru exited the bathroom, his eyes were sore and he felt drained. In the first time since they broke up he had cried in the shower , he knew if he didn't release the build-up he would fall apart in front of someone and that was a huge no-no.

Sousuke stood in the middle of the room on his mobile phone with a fixed smile "yep, okay we'll be there! We will see you there at eight , okay bye Nagisa" Sousuke flipped his phone shut , he had completely forgotten that he had befriended all of Rin's friends including the blotchy eyed male in front of him.

"Nagisa invited us to dinner in that Ramen shop you like so much for dinner , Makoto, Rei and Gou will be there" Sousuke stated gruffly , "Hn. I have training now" without another word Haru headed to his swimming meet up.

As soon as he was submerged, Haru began to overwork his body.

His arms ached and everything screamed to stop but he kept on going even with sloppy strokes.

Sousuke sat on a plastic chair watching his roommate intensely, in ten minutes he would have to get Haru out for them to be in time, for the time being however he sat watching. The sloppiness of Haru's strokes worried him surprisingly and all of these explosive emotions were yearning to comfort the other but he couldn't. He knew Haru didn't like relationships and something put him off it, besides right now something else was affecting him. "Annoying" he grumbled knowing full well Haru was holding things in , Rin and Makoto and warned him when he became roommates with the idiot a year ago.

However six months ago Rin had told him to no matter what keep an eye on him, he had a 'feeling' Haru was going to be suppressing a lot more. It was worrying to hear it come Rin because in others words it meant 'something bad happened to Haru that I know about and no one else is meant to know so keep an eye on him , for me'.

"Oi! Nanase" Sousuke called catching the swimmers attention almost instantly, "We have to get going."

With a small grunt, Haru heaved himself out of the pool and dried himself off, without a care he grabbed his discarded clothes the coach had put on a bench to prevent tripping and put them over the top of his wet jammers... they would dry soon.

"Let's go"

Frowning at Haru, Sousuke walked beside him in a tension filled silence.

"Haru-chan ! Sou-chan!" Nagisa called as the two entered , Nagisa , Rei , Makoto and Gou already sat at the usual table happily , with little energy Haru waved back whilst Sousuke grunted in acknowledgement "come sit , come sit!" the hyper blonde continued.

The two males sat beside each other awkwardly. "How have you two been?" Gou asked with a slight tilt of her head, "fine" came Sousuke's reply that was backed up by Haru who simply nodded.

"That's good, our swim team has grown" Rei happily stated with a booming laugh at the end.

"Oi kids! Whad'ya want to order?" a cheerful loud man called from behind the counter, loudly they all half-yelled their orders to the man who grinned in return and nodded.

"Oh Haru! We were told you've been having trouble with your art assignment" Makoto spoke up cheerfully, "Hn" answered Haru who couldn't quite look Makoto in the eye without feeling guilty. "Yeah, Sousuke told us you spent all night on it and never got anywhere! We could help, what's the theme?" offered Gou with a cheery smile.

"Here ya, go!" the owner came up to them with a tray of ramen, the group took them appreciably and all thanked him.

"Looking behind the looking glass."

"So like saying a villain is a victim is looking behind it?" Makoto suggested, with a small nod Haru waited for Nagisa to come up for an idea, surprisingly he had helped a lot with themes.

"I don't get how that's looking behind it" Nagisa stated in a puzzled voice.

"Because, if you look through the looking glass let's say the villain is still a villain, but if you look behind it to see what is hidden the villain is a victim" explained Rei as he adjusted his glasses.

"Ooooh"

"Oh oh, how about the ones that show little emotions feel the most?"

Narrowing his eyes at Nagisa for that, Haru couldn't help but notice how all eyes glanced at him briefly and before they all nodded "no. I do not believe that" Haru replied hastily in his sharp and controlled voice.

"I know! Someone who acts like they don't love anyone, is in love"

This time Haru ground his teeth together and Sousuke couldn't understand why Nagisa was suggesting this, it wasn't fitting for Haru.

Noticing the two looks he received, he nervously rubbed the back of his neck "I guess people can be that dense" he muttered, Rei immediately scowled at Nagisa, Gou was a bit shocked she had thought by now the two were together they both wore the looks of Disney princes when they stared at each other and Makoto felt bad for both of them, he just wished Haru would act on his feelings already, sometimes he really hated being able to read Haru on most things.

**Hey guys ! so this is probably a bit ooc for both but hey it's fanfiction everyone is out of character by wanting each other !**

Anyway I just want to let you all know I am not Rin bashing , I absolutely love the crybaby shark and RinHaru / Makoharu are my biggest ships.


	3. Dead Tired

Honey, we can see right through you  
>Boy, ya can't conceal it<br>We know how ya feel and  
>Who you're thinking of<p>

"Nagisa has too much energy" Sousuke muttered from beside Haru who kept silent, his thoughts were dwelling around what Nagisa was saying. As if Nagisa knew, he was just being his-self and over analysing again. That's exactly what he was doing.

Haru knew for sure these feelings Sousuke could stir up were nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Sighing at the muscle strain his body now felt in all of its glory, his steps became slower and his eyes were so heavy. He couldn't help but wonder if this is what mascara felt like for women. _Did it make their eyelids heavy like this?_

"Oi, Nanase you alright?" the other male questioned with his eyes trained on the smaller swimmer, he looked as though he was sleep walking.

"Sleep" Haru tiredly whispered with a strained voice.

Eventually the two reached their dorm rooms, by then Haru was barely standing.

With sluggish movements Haru sauntered off to the bedroom with random pieces of clothing his body allowed him to pick up. He was truly too tired to pay attention to anything.

Sousuke sat on his bed lazily with his laptop on his lap, he opened Skype already prepared to call Rin, and unlike his tired roommate he wasn't drained at all and was well aware of his surroundings.

So when Haru stumbled out of the shower dripping wet and in his usual pyjama bottoms but with one of Sousuke's shirts on. The larger male almost choked on his saliva.

"Oi Nanase" Sousuke called trying to catch Haru's attention in reply, the dolphin walked towards Sousuke's bed thinking it was his own. Sousuke had been warned by Makoto many times about how terrible and unaware a exhausted Haru was but he truly didn't understand that warning until Haru slipped in his bed beside Sousuke and laid his head on Sousuke's broad chest.

"G'night Yamasucki" Haru mumbled hopelessly, finally allowing the call of sleep to take over.

Grunting Sousuke tried to move out of the others grip to change beds but Haru clung tighter and he no longer had the heart to wake him. With the peaceful look he finally wore on his face, Sousuke didn't have the heart to rid his face of that look.

_I wonder how many times this has happened to Makoto _the whale shark wondered with a twinge of something zap his emotions. Heaving a sigh Sousuke returned his attention to Skype, at least Haru was a deep, deep sleeper he thought sourly.

With the press of the call button , Sousuke waited for Rin to pick up which didn't take long , this routine had become so regularly the two both knew when and when not to call the other.

"Yo" Rin answered with a large grin on his face, in the background Sousuke could see the Australian sun filter between the closed blinds of Rin's apartment.

"Sup' Rin" Sousuke casually replied ignoring the shifting weight on his side , Haru nuzzled his chest even more with a slight grunt in his sleep as if he were annoyed like usual.

"What's that?" Rin asked noticing a black ball of hair or maybe fur on Sousuke's chest moving, the webcam barely showed it. "Did you get a cat? Or did Makoto find another stray?" Rin cheekily asked with a glint of something in his eyes.

Scowling Sousuke once again attempted to move away from Haru who only snuggled closer.

"It's Nanase." He glowered with annoyed eyes.

"Huh? I don't buy it, Haru hates being touched." Snorted Rin, "are you that embarrassed you got a black cat or did you call a cat Nanase?"

Narrowing his teal eyes, Sousuke picked the laptop up "I'll prove it" nosily he aimed the webcam down so it showed Haru's face. Rin almost choked on his breath at the sight of Haru who had been avoiding him and rarely spoke to him now lying peacefully on Sousuke's chest sleeping.

Rin couldn't help but feel a little dejected and hurt , shaking his head he knew he wasn't allowed to feel like that , he was with Makoto now and it was one of his best choices.

"H-how?" Rin managed to stammer out with an underlying tone in his voice, hearing this Sousuke studied his best friend who seemed to be having an external struggle, _had he missed something?_

"Your boyfriend wasn't joking when he said Nanase gets out of it when he's dead tired"

"Dead tired? It takes a lot to do that! Why is he so tired?" Rin wondered now thinking back to all of the worries Makoto had spilled to him the night before , Haru had been acting strange and become more withdrawn and how could he forget the fact that Makoto had told him that Haruka had began to hate relationships and love now. It hurt him deeply knowing the cause of that but Rin couldn't help it...mostly.

"Honestly he's been out of it all day. Today he came in here randomly looking as dejected as a kicked puppy I thought he was gonna cry! I even got up to ... I don't know comfort him and then he turned into an emotionless asshole who just locked himself in the shower for twenty minutes. He came out with blotchy eyes like some teenage girl who just watched a chick flick and overtrained himself. And dinner he was so defensive and snappy at anyone who suggested something to him. Honestly your friend is such a dick it aggravates me to no end. You are so lucky you had that promise still up your sleeve...Tch...or I wouldn't even be acting nice to him." Sousuke explained with a slight tinge of annoyance.

"Ha-ha...keep an eye on him still would ya'? I know Haru is a handful but if Makoto can look after him without any hitches so can you."

"And what about you Rin?" Sousuke questioned with narrowed eyes, his friend looked kind of out of it to, but also guilty.

"Haru and I don't speak much anymore... but don't worry we will fix it when I come back in a few months!"

"So you're really coming back?"

"Yep" Rin answered happily with what Sousuke called a shit eating grin planted on his face.

"Where ya staying?" Sousuke interrogated feeling obliged to make sure Rin had a place to stay.

"Makoto's"

"Ohhhhh~"

"Shut up! You jerk!" Rin shouted flushing the same shade of red as his hair colour.

**Hey guys ! I thought I should let you lovely readers know I have decided to sort of turn this into a series with each part being based on some song. The next one I plan will continue from this one however Clarity will be the song for next one because it suits what I have planned for mainly Rin and Haru.**

Do not worry though it will remain as SouHaru and MakoRin


	4. Only As A Roommate

**OOCNESS - BUT IT'S A FANFICTION SO YOU CANT REALLY KEEP THEM IN CHARACTER.**

No chance, no way  
>I won't say it, no, no<p>

Haru woke up feeling warm and protected late Saturday morning; the sunlight flitted between the closed blinds. With tired eyes he groggily opened them only to grunt rather loudly and fall out of bed. He had pushed himself rather roughly away from the other person as if they had burned him.

His face was now hot and he could feel his heart speed up, _why was he in Sousuke's bed? Why were they sleeping together?_

_Wait a minute._ He looked down at the large shirt that had slid down to reveal his muscled shoulder, why was he wearing Sousuke's shirt?

"Before you freak out like the idiot you are. You were too tired to recognize your own clothes or bed." Sousuke spoke up from his bed he had woken up the moment Haru fell out. Amusement was glinting in his teal eyes and he smirked underneath his covers at the shade of red Haru was wearing. This was all new and entertaining to him.

"Why were we sleeping together?" Haru immediately questioned, Sousuke should have just swapped beds, so why hadn't he?

"You clung to me like a suckerfish, wouldn't let me go. You even moaned my name in your sleep... pretty dirty. Nanase" Sousuke teased in a dead serious tone.

Gulping , Haru paled and almost died of embarrassment he quickly looked over his shoulder and ignored Sousuke's intense stare "whatever" he muttered.

"It's true, it was pretty gross. Ask Rin he heard and saw the whole thing on Skype last night" teased Sousuke who realized Haru's emotionless facade was gone for the moment. He was revelling in all of the looks flittering across Haru's face, confusion, and embarrassment and then hurt. Hurt filled his eyes and clung to his face like Nitori to his senpai's.

Knowing full well Sousuke was teasing him, Haru shook his head gently. He knew his facade was gone by the way Sousuke now stared at him as if he were studying a newly discovered creature. Like always though Haru put his facade back on almost instantly, the hurt was gone and so was every other emotion.

"Oi, Nanase" called Sousuke from his bed, catching the attention of the swimmer on the floor. Craning his neck to stare directly in the teal eyes that caused some emotions to flutter through him, Haru waited for Sousuke to talk.

"What happened between you and Rin?" questioned the male with narrowed eyes. Gulping rather nervously at the question, Haru answered "nothing."

"Bullshit, you two used to be closed and now you avoid him." Sousuke angrily stated from his bed, fed up with the hidden truths the shark and dolphin shared.

"Nothing. I just no longer feel the need to talk to him"

Grinding his teeth together Sousuke narrowed his eyes angrily, as if he were a predator he pushed himself up and stared down at the boy on the ground still.

"Do you despise me that much? When will you open up to me, I thought we off to good grounds! We're friends aren't we! And you and Rin are meant to tell your friends what's going on am I right?" Sousuke questioned in a wrath filled voice, he just wanted to help out Rin and make his shark friend happy again when Haru was mentioned and not give him that...that... look of guilt.

"I don't feel that way about you Yamazaki" Haru stated coldly with an inner turmoil, he needed to say it now, he wanted to. But he couldn't he could never admit to that kind of illusion again. It hurt to think that but it would keep him safe... so he said the first thing his instinct told him to.

"I don't see you as a friend. Only as a roommate who is acquainted to my friends...that's all"


	5. Sock Knob

You swoon, you sigh  
>why deny it, uh-oh<p>

"Haru!" Makoto called from a few metres away, he walked over to Haru with a worried look in his eyes.

Nodding to his best friend, Haru moved over to give Makoto space on the bench. "Why aren't you at swimming?" Makoto questioned as soon as he sat down. Sighing, Haru leaned his head against his palm. "It was cancelled the coach had a family emergency and there is no other teacher on campus suitable to watch over us."

"There's always the public pool, Haru" Makoto chirped with a positive vibe radiating off him. Probably from that person. Haru sadly thought, he tiredly stood up leaving Makoto perplexed.

"Haru?"

"I'm going back to the dorm."

"Wahh! But you can still swim Haru!"

"I know" Haru stated in a monotone voice.

Studying his friend, Makoto sighed dejectedly at the latter.

"So you and Sousuke had a fight, huh?" Makoto queried catching Haru off guard. Was he that obvious? No. he wasn't. His facade just wasn't Makoto proof anymore.

"So" Haru innocently mumbled, as if it weren't a big deal to him and as if it hadn't completely affected his sleep or his 'friendship' with the latter.

"Haru, what happened?"

"Nothing. Stop worrying" he barked in a sterner voice. Looking dejectedly at his friend Makoto shook his head. "Why do you always hide these things from me? Haru"

Shrugging at his best friend, Haru continued walking towards his allocated dorm building.

Sighing heavily, Makoto clenched and unclenched his fists, even though he knew Haru would tell him when he was ready. Makoto couldn't help but feel somehow betrayed by Haru and his actions. Was he not worthy enough to be trusted anymore? Had he done something wrong? All this thoughts ran rampant in his clouded mind.

"Makoto" Haru finally called, breaking the thick tension. He stood at the entry to his dorm building and gave Makoto a small but fake smile. "Its okay" he reassured.

Makoto nodded with his own fake smile and began to walk away from the latter after waving goodbye. He couldn't help but think the problems with Haru he knew about we're merely just scraping the surface to a ditch of hidden problems.

Haru walked tiredly up to his dorm room, he glanced at the unusually soft door-knob. Looking down, one of his new socks were covering the handle. Thinking nothing of it, Haru snatched it off and shoved it in his pocket with a frown.

He opened the door silently as if everything were fine and stalked into his dorm. However when Haru walked into the shared room, he finally felt different emotions. They weren't completely gone just buried deep deep down. Anger, hurt, pain and oh god more pain. His heart wrenched and he felt sick. Frozen on Sousuke's bed, was Sousuke and a petite blonde girl straddling him. Both were shirtless and both were very much in a heated make out session.

Choking back all this new feelings at the sight Haru simply said 'sorry' and walked out of the apartment. 'Keep it cool' 'you're emotionless' 'you're heartless' 'this won't affect you' were the only thoughts being forced in his mind. But as he exited the dorm building and into the campus where the sun was just setting Haru knew he didn't want to come back for a while.

He checked his wallet he surprisingly kept on him and knew what to do when he saw the cash he had in there.

Haru had decided to avoid Sousuke and to do that he needed a hotel room. Because the feelings running through him at that moment were the last emotions he ever felt with Rin.

**Hey guys ! So It's been a while since I last updated ! My main excuse is that I recently started year 12 and it has been nothing but assignments and I haven't had the motivation to update until now. So to explain the ending to this I wasn't planning to add that but somehow my fingers typed it into the new part without my permission so I am... sorry...maybe. **


End file.
